I really related to Laurel’s post this week about how she feels that often her academic growth comes at the cost of sacrificing growth in other areas. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about how I feel like I’ve grown a lot intellectually since being in college – I’ve been exposed to so many new ideas that have really changed my perspective on things. However, I feel like that new perspective has come at the cost of doing other things I enjoy. I used to have a lot more time to read, do art, journal, and pursue other personal hobbies and spend hours at night googling random things that I was curious about. I felt more creative when I had time to do those things, as well as more inspired, determined, and tenacious. My sense of urgency with my academic work is pretty stagnant right now – I feel lazy and tired and don’t feel very passionate. It kind of freaks me out honestly. I want to be successful academically but it’s hard accepting that, as of now, that means sacrificing the time and using up the energy that I would otherwise invest to pursue non-academic passions.
Right now I’m sitting in my dorm alone. All my roommates are asleep in the other room and it feels really nice to just have some quiet space. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately and for the last hour I’ve just been listening to music, journaling, eating chips, and googling random stuff online. For the past two days I’ve been ignoring most people and it’s made me feel better. I have no space in college and sometimes I don’t know how/lack the ability to socialize when I feel certain ways. Tonight I watched videos about the Incan agriculture system and it was really interesting. I miss watching videos like that on Youtube that are unrelated to everything else I’m doing. It’s just a nice escape, same with reading and doing art.
I recently looked at an old blog I kept up for four years up until my junior year of high school. It was a huge outlet for me. I would post about art that inspired me, write about movies and books, write poems, and go into in depth analyses of Twin Peaks and My So-Called Life. Embarrassingly enough, I also uploaded pictures of the weird outfits I wore to school. I remember feeling restless in high school because I was so inspired by everything. It wasn’t uncommon for me to journal 10 pages a night. I felt overwhelmed with inspiration and without enough outlets with which to express it all. I was jittery all the time and I don’t feel that way anymore and I’m pissed off about it. How the heck am I supposed to care about anything academic if I can’t balance my academics against things like reading and art and journaling, which are completely reasonable things to want to have time to do? I need to figure out how to balance my life better. Because right now I’m just very drained. But maybe that’s normal, it’s almost summer after all. And I love school – it’s not like I’m miserable about my work. I’m having fun writing my research paper for E&D and my ethnography for Anthro is coming along really well. I love learning, I think I’m just having trouble because I feel restricted to what I’m learning in class and don’t feel like I have the time to learn on my own anymore by reading and doing art and journaling and googling all night about random stuff.
Here is a playlist of music of my favorite music right now.
Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham!
Come On Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Hound Dog by Elvis Presley (a.k.a #1 thug)
You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall and Oates
Kick Ass (We Are Young) by MIKA