This is it — the last post. I’ve been putting it off for a few days now, perhaps because it feels so final, like more closure than I’m ready for. But somewhat inexplicably, I am also at a loss for words. It would seem that after stringing together 17,000 of them for my thesis, I should have a bit more to say— I should easily be able to summon up a few more words to reflect back on this experience. But mostly, I feel very quiet about it. I think I expected to feel a stronger sense of closure when I sent in the final draft. But mostly, it feels like any other draft….like I’m waiting for feedback and further revisions. It still hasn’t sunk in that that was really it.
One thing I will say is that it feels very appropriate that I pulled the final all-nighter of my undergraduate career scrambling to dot the i’s and cross the t’s on my senior thesis. Sitting in Watzek at 4am on Friday morning, over-caffeinated and delirious, I felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and deja vu and uncanniness all at once. I had been in that situation so many times before — from my very first E&D paper to each subsequent draft of my thesis, and almost every paper in between — so it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I think had also always known that that was how I would spend the final night before thesis was due, so it felt a bit eerie… like a premonition coming true.
Looking back on my four-years at Lewis & Clark, these late-night academic marathons all kind of blur together to form a hearty chunk of my college experience. And as miserable as they were at times, I think I’ll miss them pretty dearly. For me, there is always a moment (usually around 3am) when that terrible mixture of adrenaline, caffeine jitters, and impending doom gives way to complete clarity. And I can just write and write and write, and somehow when the sun comes up, the paper is done, and in better shape than I would have expected. I’ve always found that feeling of pushing through mental and physical exhaustion, of breaking through my usual limits, to be pretty incredible.
That said, it’s a lifestyle that’s fundamentally unsustainable. You can only sacrifice sleep and your physical well-being for so long before you start to fall apart. I have certainly felt the toll of these stresses. So with graduation and the completion of my thesis comes a bittersweet farewell to all-nighters. I will miss the mental and physical tests they have offered. But I am also greatly looking forward to getting more sleep, and to not spending 12-hours at a time hunched in front of a computer screen, frantically pounding out sentences. To spending more time taking care of my whole self, and not just pushing my mind to its limits.