Writing a thesis has taught me a thing or two about process. I knew this while I was writing (and writing and erasing and writing and rewriting and crying and writing and writing). In fact, I loved it when I was in the middle of it. Even at the very end, as a I realized I was not going to get around to all the little changes and additions that I envisioned (and that I kept discovering as I made the final changes), I realized that I was enjoying the push. It is really amazing to test yourself. I’ve done this a lot in the past few years: persevering through four seasons of varsity swimming competitions and training, working as much as I was able, and completing the coursework/honors thesis work of two majors. And now much of the work is over. I have two weeks left of classes, and three weeks until I’m out! It’s very wild to know that I am about to be ejected/dispatched from Lewis & Clark. I already feel a little dispatched after completing my two big projects.
I presented my ENVS thesis twice at the Festival of Scholars. I presented my poster in the morning among my peers. It was my favorite poster session of all I have attended and participated in since Spring 14. It was incredible to see my fellow seniors, my classmates, stand up with bright and bold posters speaking with pride about our yearlong, individual projects. I had many great conversations about my own project, which made me realize just how entrenched I have been in my topic. Yet, being 3-ish weeks past the final turn-in has given me the space to really condense and communicate my (highly theoretical and meta-fictional and, as I often worry, potentially inaccessible) thesis research. I felt a surge of pride after the conversations of the morning that gave me confidence for my 20 minute talk later in the afternoon. I was surprised to find how nervous I was before my presentation, for I had already given the presentation before, had already received honors, and the audience was full of people I loved. Again I remembered that the nerves and the stage-fright are all part of my process of performance — both athletic and scholastic. The lessons from the past – swim meets, last year’s Festival of Scholars, my thesis defense last week – were all found in my back pocket and, as my friends told me, no one could tell that I was nervous. I’ve been told that my talk went really well! I’m so grateful for all the feedback from my peers and my professors that has instilled a sense of confidence that I try to foster for myself.
While I have a lot of practice with the crises that one finds in the midst of difficult processes (such as swim training camps and when your thesis is due the week after spring break), I have had less practice with being dispatched from difficult processes. Since the end of my thesis processes (99% of it anyways) I have been left to contend with what closure looks and feels like, along with a lot of time on my hands. Catching up on sleep hasn’t really been a choice, as I found myself struggling with temporary narcoleptic tendencies last week. I’ve rediscovered the climbing gym. While I have plans for my future (definite ones with start/end dates!), I know I will have to get used to the feelings of endings for a while. The end of my papers signals the beginning of a few months of grand sweeping transition.
I’m looking forward to visiting the ENVS 160 classes this week, and stay tuned for more thoughts later this week on Who Rules the Earth? by Paul Steinberg.