There’s a Mary Oliver poem ( “The Summer Day” ) that ends,
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?
The poem resonates with me, especially these last two lines. What is it that I plan to do with my life? The question looms over me, growing seemingly thicker as the days between now and graduation continue to thin.
And the truth is, I don’t know. I have broad intentions–I want to live in Minneapolis, I want to go to grad school and become an elementary school teacher, I want to follow the cliché and leave the world a better place than it was when I came into it. I want to build new relationships and build on those relationships that I already have, I want to fill my days doing things that I genuinely enjoy, and I want to learn to be content with where I am now.
And, I have immediate intentions. I intend to drive home with my dad and with all of my belongings in the back of my car. I intend to take a month off from looking for jobs and being a “responsible” adult, and tour the western US’ national parks with two of my high school friends. I intend to spend this summer reconnecting with family that I’ve lived away from for the past four years, and I intend to begin resetting my roots in a place I’ve called home for my whole life.
What is less clear is the in-between. I know what I want to do long term (be an elementary school teacher), but I also know that I need some time away from school before I have the emotional energy to go and get my master’s. I do not know what I will be doing for that year (or two, or three). I do not know exactly where I will be living, and I don’t know which of my friends will even be in the state. And oddly, I’m not freaking out about that.
Yes–I’m not freaking out about that! This is me, Rebecca Kidder–the same girl who sent her 4-year plan to the head of the ENVS program the summer before her freshman year of college, the same girl who spends hours at the beginning of each semester putting every single assignment from every single syllabus from every single class into my Google Calendar, the same girl who waited to hear back from all eight schools she applied to before saying yes to Lewis & Clark, even though Lewis & Clark was by far her top choice and informed her of her acceptance three months before the other schools–not freaking out about not knowing my future. And as Marlene points out, maybe that’s okay. Perhaps not having a plan is exactly what I need in order to learn to be more flexible. Because, unexpected things will happen regardless of if I have a plan or not.
And so, my intention as of right now? Enjoy myself. Take the summer and learn to be okay with not knowing. Be present in the moment. Be confident in myself and my abilities, and be confident that things will work out.